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Cat-calling. The foolproof way to spot men who were dropped on their heads multiple times as babies.
As a solo traveler, I’ve encountered them in every shape and size, as they shamelessly pursue and annoy the living crap out of women who are simply minding their own business.
Their goal is to get your attention, make you uncomfortable, and beg for acknowledgement of their oversized ego that unmistakably compensates for their undersized penis. Yep. The not-so-well-endowed know they have to work twice as hard for being cursed with twice as less. And they are the worst.
But alas, we must not succumb! Let’s beat them at their own game by flipping the script and putting the discomfort back on them.
I’m not going to lie, it takes a bit of shamelessness to do some of these, but never mind that, because Mission Emasculate the Douchebag is more important than your pride. So listen up! And also, you’re welcome.
1. STARE IN DISGUST
This is more so to throw them off and make them realize they’re even more repulsive than they think. They’ll be so concerned and confused as to why you’re disgusted by something on their face, and when you’ve bothered him enough, quickly laugh and walk away.
2. SOUND LIKE A MAN
Unless he’s into that [no judgments here] you won’t find a quicker way to turn him off and keep things moving if you pretend to be one thing on the outside and another thing on the inside. (Un)fortunately, all it takes for me to have a manly voice is some liquid courage or a lack of sleep. Both of which I usually get on a regular basis, so it really comes pretty natural. #blessed
Again, this takes some skill here. You can fake it, or if you happen to summon the gods in that moment in time to deliver a bowel movement so strong, that people will wonder if they’ve just felt an earthquake, and that’s when you deliver that bad boy, fully bent over, cheeks spread (kidding, kinda) and you let your freedom ring. Or grumble. The choice is yours. I wish I could speak from experience about how awesome this would be, but I’ll let you ladies take the lead on this and just tell me the results later. Especially if it includes needing bail money.
This is also equally gross and severely frowned upon in many regions of the world. It can be quite the turn-off, especially in the Balkans (totally not speaking from experience here) and it’s a great way to make sure a guy probably never gives you the time of the day, which, how convenient, because neither will you.
5. FAKE CALL A FRIEND
Without fully facing him, acknowledge how you just saw the grossest human being in the world. Describe him down to his bootleg sneakers about how bad he smells and how trees are working tirelessly to produce oxygen for him, and how he should apologize immediately. Saying all of this loud enough for him to hear, so he can quickly take a hint.
6. POLITELY ASK THAT YOU NEED HELP FINDING DECENT MEN IN THE WORLD
And just when he thinks he’s got your attention, throw him a curve ball and talk about everything you hate about men, describing everything he did, while politely asking him to point you in the direction of a real gentleman.
7. IGNORE HIM, BLATANTLY
This is pretty obvious and maybe the most common, but use this one especially when he’s done so much to go out of his way and make his cat-calling, hollering, and whistling heard. This will cause everyone but you to give this man attention, in turn making him look like a hopeless and desperate fool while you go about your day, unbothered.
8. SUDDENLY DEVELOP TOURETTES
This is also incredibly bold and I recommend having a couple choice beverages in your system beforehand. Because nothing screams cat-calling material like a sudden uncontrollable itch that’s just a natural reaction when you’re around such lame excuses for men. Twitch harder the closer he gets or the more he tries to talk and as soon as he stops, pretend you’re miraculously cured, and carry on about your day as normal.
9. MOCK HIS WORDS IN A HIGH-PITCHED VOICE
I know you remember being twelve once. It was fun. It was annoying. And it was effective. Someone says something to you and you mimic their exact words in this ridiculously high-pitched tone that only intensifies just how foolish their words were to begin with.
10. SCREAM IN HIS FACE
Ahh, yes. Here come your psychotic antics taking the front seat again. Nothing screams emotionally unstable [literally] quite like you, in his face, for no reason at all. He’ll be dodging a bullet, hopefully not literally (looking at you, America) and you both will be better off because of it.
These all, of course, only work if they don’t somehow turn the guy on instead. In which case, if he still wants your manly, farting, burping, crazy, crack-addict twitching, psychotic self, then ladies, you MARRY that man. He’s a keeper. And you can KEEP him away from the rest of the world.
If you enjoyed this post, consider reading more funny tips and tales in its entirety from my recently published e-book “From Excuses to Excursions: How I Started Traveling the World”. Click HERE to download or learn more!