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Let’s be real, calories are just glorified souvenirs, and after successfully mastering multiple (read: every) way to gain weight while traveling the last five years, I thought I’d share all my secrets in case any of you somehow struggle with this seemingly effortless task!
I have to put a disclaimer though, as our bodies are all different, some of you will succeed more efficiently and likely faster than others. But if your estimated weight gain goal exceeds 10 pounds (4.5 kilos), then you’re in the right place.
If you’re here to tell me how you’ve actually lost weight traveling, then please go step on a trail of leggos and never come back to this site again. Not all of us can be that way, Bethany, so kindly glide your feet against the sharpest of leggos, blindfold yourself, and go play in traffic.
The 10 best ways to gain weight while you travel. Seriously, it has never been easier than this! Click To Tweet
1) EAT ALLLL THE BREAD
A wise prophet once said, “Thou shalt devoureth all the bread thine eyes casteth shadow upon in Europe.” Let God’s will be done and your exercise be not. Amen.
2) UBER EVERYWHERE
I remember a time my peasant self would opt for public transport in every country, but now that I’m at the adult-level of happily paying for Netflix and Spotify, I uber practically everywhere, which in turn, burns zero calories of the pasta I just ate my weight in. It’s perfect!
3) STAY AT HOTELS WITH GYMS
But then use every excuse in the book as to why it doesn’t meet your standards or qualify a visit. At the end of the day, you thought about using it, but then remembered your goal of weight gain, and it’s always best to stay dedicated to your dreams.
4) ONLY SUGARY COCKTAILS & BEER
Sure, wine is the classier and healthier option, but when you’re out socializing and have the wine tolerance of a toddler and don’t want to end up on the floor by 10PM, that’s when beer and overpriced cocktails become the better option for social gatherings. Bottoms up!
5) NEVER TAKE THE STAIRS
Stairs are for losers. People who lost sight of the elevator just two feet to their right. Technology is a beautiful thing and it’s here to help us be lazy and gain weight. Why disappoint and break the cycle of our de-evolution?
6) BUY CLOTHES TWO SIZES TOO SMALL
Why not destroy your arteries and self-confidence at the same time by buying clothes that are too small for you so you can enhance the spillage of your muffin top and excess weight too!
7) EAT SALADS AND DRINK SMOOTHIES ONLY FOR INSTAGRAM
As you can see from my cover photo, there are things to be done that are reserved solely #ForTheGram. Eating healthy is one of them. Along with non-existent checkins at the gym on Facebook. Whatever you do, let the social praise from others be your only motivation for healthy eating, because deep down inside, we all know you deserve more in life you gluttonous bastard, you.
8) SLEEP ONLY WHEN ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY (LIKE WHEN YOU’RE DEAD)
Nothing packs on the pounds quicker than a lack of sleep. Remember in college when everybody rode the train of #TeamNoSleep and we all silently died inside felt so alive? Yeah, more of that! Because it’s not like your body needs to rest and recover from all the eating and ubering in the hours prior!
9) CONSIDER GOING FULL OMNIVORE
Dictionary.com describes the omnivorous diet as “eating all kinds of food indiscriminately“. I don’t know about you, but if that doesn’t scream goals, then wow, live a little. The ability to eat any and alllll the things regardless of its race, religion, gender, or creed are the type of people we need more of in this world. And if you’re not a part of this recipe solution, you might be a part of the ingredient problem.
While the rest of the world is jizzing their pants from oxygen-free, organically grown feces, be ahead of the times and eat literally everything in sight to ensure you reach all your weight gain goals and more!
10) COMPARE YOURSELF TO PEOPLE WITH DIFFERENT METABOLISM SPEEDS, BLOOD TYPES, AND HEALTH CONDITIONS
There’s no surer way to guarantee that you are indeed a cow with human tendencies, than comparing yourself to every other skinny Instagram model who may or may not have also had a facelift, botox, boob job, ass implants, waist reduction, and total removal of small and large intestines so that they stop eating altogether.
One satisfied customer commented,
Gaining weight has never felt more fun than when you’re abroad. Because who cares if you’ve doubled your chins when you’ve also doubled your Instagram following from all the hashtag, goals-worthy photos from traveling! Thank you, Calories! Thank you, Glo!
Jokes aside, this article was in no way meant to offend or address those who actually struggle with weight or self-esteem issues. Please understand that a number on a scale has absolutely no weight (t’hehe) in determining your overall worth and value on this planet.
How your body processes (or rather, fails to process) food is unique to everyone else, so understand that there is no one-size-fits-all formula, pun intended.
Take it from someone who’s been living on the road for the last 5 years — weight gain is inevitable, and stressing over it does nothing to make it go away.
I lose and gain 10 lbs every month or so, and instead of crying about it over cake and wine (however lovely that combination is), I’ve learned to rid myself of the guilt, because those calories and extra pounds are filled with memories of chased sunsets, new friendships, and ultimately, freedom.
Do any of you have similar stories about weight fluctuation on the road? Share below!
